date #2 with timothy. he talked more, i talked less. we made out a lot more, in several different locations. we drove out to the dark lake and came close to having sex, but i refused. we exchanged sexual favors instead.
i got slight hints from him that he may be beginning to dig me. i have a feeling this could go very well as long as i stop overanalyzing everying (as i tend to do) and wait patiently, cautiously, for things to pan out and expose themselves instead of looking for symbols in what are likely simply random leaves.
he's very attractive and interesting, but seemingly self-absorbed as well. i had felt this from our first date and onward. his conversation wasn't stimulating, but he's succinct and in that way quirkily engaging. and of course my physical attraction to him comes heavily into play.
earlier today i was worrying about overworrying in regards to my situation with him. previously i was considering actually dating him.
my problem, i know, is that i'm afraid of and unfamiliar with commitment.
now enters the deus ex machina.
joshua is one of travis' friends. he comes over fairly often, but is usually secluded with travis his girlfriend lexi in their room.
the other night we had what i guess would be considered a party but in reality is nearly every night here. joshua spent a fair amount of time in my room, in a smaller social setting, interacting with me and those around me. we looked up music videos and just hung out while drinking. he was much more personable than usual, as he was known to be "kooky" or even off-kilter by people who had just met him. indeed i felt the same way when i first was introduced.
regardless of why he acts so absurdly in larger groups, in the small group he flourished.
he came back over tonight and spent a considerable amount of time with me in my room. we talked for almost two hours, half of which was just the two of us, the other half with various people filtering in and out of the room. i learned he wants to major in philosophy and is dedicated to the idea of using his life as a tool for bettering other peoples'.
we talked about what words we thought were beautiful (spawned by the movie donnie darko, which i've seen but don't remember at all) and what words we just liked. we looked up words we were unsure about. we spoke about all kinds of philosophies, anti-americanism, pseudosciences (physiognomy, graphology, astrology), alchemy, communication barriers, and just about everything that gets me involved and passionate in a conversation.
in short, my night was both sexually and intellectually stimulating.
here's my plan: i can cultivate a relationship with joshua. i am attracted to him; his features are scholarly and handsome and he has that big, long nose i so lust after. however, that won't come until later. it will be a cultivation, after all, and start out as a friendship until i become more comfortable.
up to the point i do become comfortable, because i am being challenged mentally already, it will be impossibly easy to use timothy as purely a sexual outlet.
i honestly can't get joshua out of my head right now, and i was pained to see him go. i would absolutely love to smoke bowls and talk to him for the entire night, and it was speaking with him that spurned the revelation that this exactly was what i was missing with timothy.
is this selfish of me? i'm unsure. it seems like a very good idea right now. i know a lot of it depends on my ability to stay detached from timothy, but for some reason i feel i've zoomed out on the situation far enough now, perspectively speaking, to say with confidence that i'm capable of it.
i'm optimistic and elated atm. all because of a conversation!
i feel very good about the future, presently.